Last month I wrote a blog post for Breastfeed Chicago.  The title was “Three Life Lessons for Breastfeeding Mothers.”  Writing that article brought me in touch with some of the things I had learned but had never thought to express.  My years of focusing totally on being a mother, following what we then called “La Leche League philosophy,”  was really a meditative, spiritual path. As I reflect now on what I wrote, I realize there was more.  Thus, I send you this month:  three more lessons.

1.    There is no other.

2.    Hold nothing back.

3.    All you have to offer anyone is your own state of being.

There is no other.

The wisdom of the east teaches us that we are all one on this planet.  The perception of separateness is an illusion.  In many religious traditions, the most important teaching is to love others as one loves oneself.  Maybe all of this seems like mere words until you find yourself in that state of love where you truly are merged with another being.

In pregnancy, caring for yourself literally is the same as caring for another.  What you eat, breathe, and feel…your baby eats, breathes and feels.  And then when you are breastfeeding, that symbiosis continues.  You love with a selflessness that surprises you.  (That’s not to say you never have resentments, frustrations, and awful moods.  But if you are breastfeeding on demand, without pacifiers or supplements, then you are getting the benefit of some mighty mothering hormones that make sure you are feeling some powerful love.)

If this is your first baby, then you are sure of one thing:  you will never love another baby the way you love this one.  If this is your second baby, then you are sure of one thing:  although these two children may be entirely different in almost every way, they are both your heart.

And if you can love two children this much, could you love a third?  How much love is in your heart, anyway?  And when you are “marathon nursing” a teething or sick baby, or a baby who is going through a growth spurt, that powerful prolactin might just convince you that you can really love the whole world.  There is no other. 

Hold nothing back.

As a breastfeeding mother, you learn the rule of supply and demand:  the more you give, the more you have to give.  Now, how deep is that?

You don’t have to hold back from giving, because you will always have more, and more.  This is another lesson that is taught in all the great spiritual traditions.  With your tiny baby, you learn that the more you love you give, the more love you have.

“All you have to offer anyone, ever, is your own state of being.”—Ram Dass

As a young mother, you learn and re-learn this one every single day.  You find out that taking good care of yourself is the same as taking care of your children.

If you are coming from a place of weariness, discouragement and depletion, then that is what you have to offer.  If you are coming from a place of rest, good nutrition, grateful thoughts, and peace of mind, then that is what you have to offer.  Your babies and children have a sixth sense that informs them of your moods and energy levels. They hold the mirror up relentlessly, every day!  For their sake, as well as for your own, you need to practice good self care.

I wasn’t so very young when I became a mother; my first child was born when I was 25.  Nevertheless, I feel that I grew up with my children.  I was being formed, just as they were.  If I’ve written a lot about love in this article, it’s because I remember the overwhelming love, and how it took me by surprise.  But I haven’t forgotten the other feelings:  the boredom, the aggravation, the self-doubts.  I had days when I felt I just wasn’t cut out to be a mother, and I was sure that I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.  Now I know that those are all normal feelings.

Everything that you are experiencing now with your baby is deepening you as a spiritual, thinking, feeling human being.  Just as some aspects of your child are being formed, some aspects of you are also being formed.  The happy moments—and maybe even more deeply, the not-so-happy moments– have meaning and depth.  Let them teach you and lead you.  Trust in the process.  Never forget:  we all screw up. Forgive yourself generously.  Like a child, start each day with hope and high expectations.

Joy Davy is a therapist in Hinsdale, Illinois, focusing on parenting challenges, postpartum depression, and new mothers’ issues.  For 12 years she was a La Leche League Leader, and breastfed all of her 5 children.  She can be reached at 630-935-7915.  Check out her website at http://www.joydavy.com.

1.     Honor yourself as you honor others.

2.    All big things can (and should) be broken down into small steps.

3.    Be mindful:  be here now.

Mothers of babies and small children can feel “touched out” and overwhelmed by the needs of their little ones and partners.  I remember it well!  That primal and satisfying “skin-to-skin contact” that is so important to babies and mothers on so many levels—hormonal, emotional, psychological—is an ingenious way that Mother Nature keeps mom and baby close and connected.  (It’s also great for father and baby.)  Babies understand the importance of this connection so well, that many of them are virtually glued to mom’s breast or hip the entire day, and roar in protest if mom so much as thinks of shutting the bathroom door between herself and baby. If mother has more than one tot, she gets double—or triple– the skin-to-skin contact.  Toddlers and pre-schoolers typically wander off to explore and play, and do not sit in mother’s arms all day (unless sick), but they may still return often for hugs and kisses or a little cuddle or nursing time.   Lots of prolactin may be flowing, keeping mom in that sleepy-patient-satisfied kind of state of mind for most of the day.  However, for many moms, there does come a time of the day—typically just about the time her partner may be coming home, perhaps around dinner time—when she may feel the need to peel baby off and take a shower or take a bit of time with no one requiring anything of her, for just a few minutes, if you please.

It’s at that time that her partner may have some hopes or expectations of affection, attention, conversation, etc.  The new mom may feel frustrated that the demands just keep coming.  Or she may feel guilty that she is just not able to give anything to a loved one who has every right to hope for a sign of connection from her.

I have found that many very giving and self-sacrificing mothers become resentful as they feel there are too many demands on them, they are being taken for granted, and that no one considers their needs.  Here is where Lesson Number One comes in:

Honor yourself as you honor others.

The old adage says that people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you.  This goes for partners, relatives, friends, and it goes for older children.  Babies, of course, are pure need in the beginning, and don’t yet understand anything of this.  However, if you feel that others put too many demands on you, ask yourself:  How am I putting too many demands on myself?  If you feel others take you for granted, ask yourself:  How do I take myself for granted?  If you feel that no one considers your needs, ask yourself, In what ways do I not consider my own needs.

This way of thinking puts a spin on things.  It does seem that the world holds up a mirror to us, and treats us as we treat ourselves.  You will find, if you start honoring yourself, if you are intentional about having reasonable expectations of yourself, if you appreciate yourself and your own efforts, that others in your life (partners, friends, older children, other relatives) tend to follow suit.

Just as you meet the needs of others, you may give yourself permission to ask that some of your needs be met, as well.  Your partner can hold baby while you shower, or take a little time to do whatever you need to do to re-energize.  What other examples do you have of needs of yours that are not being met?  How can you get those needs met?  Who could help?  How will you ask?

On to the next lesson:

All big things can be broken down into small steps.

Another old adage, a favorite among moms, is:  “When all else fails, lower your expectations.”  You are probably not going to be able to accomplish as many items in as short a period of time as you did pre-baby.  As obvious as that sounds, it’s a stumbling block for many moms.  You are moving at a new rhythm now, and it is called baby-rhythm.  You will be interrupted often and insistently.  You will begin a simple task, and return to it again and again before it is done.  Can you be at peace with this?  If you can, you will enjoy your life.

We live in a society that values super speed and great volumes of accomplishment.  If you are respecting the rhythms of your baby, if you are answering your baby’s needs, you will have to make a values decision:  do you want to achieve the tangible accomplishments that the world can see?  Or do you want to learn this new way of being in the world, moving at your baby’s rhythm, and discovering a different kind of satisfaction and peace?

Whatever it is you want to do:  clean a closet, write a novel, create a website, organize a playgroup… you name it… it can be done in many small steps.  It can be broken down.

Anne Lamott’s book, Bird by Bird, tells about the author’s brother when he was in grade school, and his dilemma when he had procrastinated beginning a big project and then had to finally start to write all about the birds of North America.  His dad comforted him in his anxiety and gave him this advice:  You will do it:  bird by bird.  That is also the author’s advice to anyone who would like to write a book.  You don’t write it all at once.  You break it down into small parts.

What is it you would like to do?  How would you break it down into small parts?

Be mindful.  Be here now.

Everyone tells you.  The little old ladies in the grocery store, your older sisters, people on the street.  They all tell you:  “Enjoy this time, dear.  They grow so fast!”  So you already know.

The actress Valerie Harper, who is quoted in a celebrity gossip magazine this month, says, “If you aren’t here now, where the hell are you?”  According to the article, she is dying quickly, and it seems she has come to that sense of immediacy and appreciation that so many people reach when they see that there is little time left.  And in a way, that is all of us.

When you are nursing that baby, don’t waste time being upset that the living room is a mess.  Your living room can be as clean as you please someday, but this is your one chance to hold your baby in this moment.  This moment will not come back.  How precious it is.  When you have to stop a project to attend to an urgent call for “Mom!”—take a deep breath, and let yourself enjoy this moment.

I think of all the moments that I have had with my babies, and later children, teens, young adults.    There has been sweetness and sadness, pain, confusion, laughter and healing. Our lives have not been perfect.  I have not been perfect.  Far from it!  And honestly, that is okay. I forgive myself for my own imperfections, and I am on friendly terms with life. How lucky, how blessed I have been and continue to be to have my children in my arms and in my life.  What a privilege it truly is to be “MOM!!”

Joy Davy is now a therapist in Hinsdale, Illinois, specializing in parenting challenges, postpartum depression, and new mothers’ issues.  For 12 years she was a La Leche League Leader.  She breastfed all of her 5 children.  You can see her website at http://www.joydavy.com

But what is it really, and why has it become such an important part of my life? I began attending a breastfeeding support group offered by my midwives’ practice when I gave birth to my first daughter over 4 years ago.  I remember being nervous, and I actually had my husband call to ask specifics about the meeting: Could I show up anytime? Was I supposed to bring the baby or go by myself?   Did it cost anything?  What exactly went on during it?  In short, I was clueless.  All I knew was that I wanted what was best for my baby and I was breastfeeding.  It seemed like a fit.

I don’t really remember my first visit, but here’s what I can tell you about the sum of my weekly visits over that first year.  I learned so much. So much about myself, my baby, and my body.  I was normal. Hormonal, but normal. My baby was normal. Fussy, but normal.  Breastfeeding is amazing.  Our bodies are amazing.  Sharing stories with other mamas who would look me in the eye and respond with “Me too!” kept me sane, strong, and a made me a better mama.  No one tells you the ins and outs of becoming a breastfeeding mother.  You didn’t know you had questions about the color of baby poop, until you changed that first diaper that looked like mustard. You didn’t know what a cluster feed was until you sat on your couch for 4 hours with a baby who only wanted your breast and nothing else.   It was at group that all of these topics were covered.

You see, my baby was fussy.  As in glad-she’s-not-your-baby-fussy.  Group became one of the only places where I didn’t get 1 million suggestions as to how to fix her.  I quickly realized being surrounded and supported by like-minded peers was of the utmost importance in my success as a breastfeeding mother.  I needed to be able to look around that room, and see women feeding their babies just like me.  I needed to see mamas with their 4 month olds, their 7 month olds, their toddlers, nursing their babies and smiling and nodding my direction as I nervously sat down and latched my teenie, fussy, little lady to my breast.  Turns out, I would be them before I knew it.

At group, I was being encouraged to be the mother I was meant to be.  I was encouraged to hold, snuggle, and breastfeed my baby. That alone was so wonderfully refreshing! No one said, “She can’t be hungry again! You just fed her!” Not a single person asked “Is she sleeping through the night, yet?” Instead, we celebrated each other’s small victories: uninterrupted showers, pumping 2 whole ounces while out for the first time away from baby, and our babies rolling over. And of course I learned some of the real ins and outs of breastfeeding: correct latch, how much baby should gain each week, how to treat clogged ducts, what cold medicine was safe to take, and on and on and on. I received fantastic support, from the most wonderful and knowledgeable labor and delivery nurse and IBCLC who lead (and still leads) the group.  I remember a day being in tears, and her hugging me and saying only “you are doing great!” And isn’t that what we all need to hear?

Fast forward 4 years. I still have playdates with mamas I met during my first visits to group.  We bonded in ways that only new moms can. I’m currently nursing baby #3 as I type this. She’s 3 months old and a champion nurser!  With 3 kiddos, I don’t make it to group nearly as often as I’d like to.  But when I do, I realize that now I am the mama who sits confidently feeding my baby, nodding and smiling to the new moms w ho aren’t so sure what they’re doing there.  It’s a beautiful, special place that I know has shaped me and my babies’ lives in such a positive way that I will always be grateful for.

So calling it simply “group” probably doesn’t do it justice, but calling it “The Best 2 Hours Each Week You’ll Spend As a New Mom Where You’ll Receive the Exact Support You Need” just doesn’t roll off the tongue.  ”Group” it is.

Molly Donofrio is a stay-at-home-mom to 3 beautiful “yahoos.” She is also a massage therapist when life allows.  She has been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the past 5 years straight, and really wouldn’t wish it any other way.

Are you ready to find a breastfeeding support group? Click here to find our breastfeeding support group map! Don’t like the group vibe? Try another one!

1. Coconut oil apparently can cure ANYTHING.
2. Find a supportive mama tribe – toxic relationships aren’t worth your time.
3. Breastfeeding in public is not only possible; it’s normal!
4. Preemies CAN learn to breastfeed!
5. Twins can too!
6. If your boobs look like they are covered in blood, check to make sure it isn’t just ketchup from lunch.
7. Never quit on a bad day.
8. Trust your baby and trust yourself.
9. You’re not alone.
10. That there are tons of mamas just like me who want to challenge society’s norms of breastfeeding.
11. Toddlers can breastfeed, too!
12. Don’t put limits on your expectations for nursing…do it until it no longer works.
13. When you think you’re the only one with an issue, one of two things will happen: you will find that you are not alone, and you may learn something new in the process.
14. Breastmilk has amazing antibacterial properties!
15. What you pump isn’t an indication of your supply.
16. Read up on “normal” baby sleep – it’s probably not what your grandma or girlfriend is telling you!
17. Your breasts are never empty – you are always making milk.
18. Pumping straight into storage bags will save a ton of time!
19. Keep on keepin’ on and get help if you need it. Perseverance in those early weeks is key!
20. “Put a little breastmilk on it.” Breast milk is to me as Windex is to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”
21. Side-lying nursing can save your sanity.
22. AND… the number one thing that I’ve learned from Breastfeed Chicago is to never doubt the power of well-informed and supported moms to change the world, because we’re doing it every day.

I started pumping on day three.  During the day I would try to nurse Liam; the nights were too hard.  My husband would hold my hand because the pain was so intense.  My nipples cracked and bled, but I didn’t want to give up.  I cried and cried.  The session ended with me pumping and my husband giving milk through a syringe or bottle.  On day five I was engorged and later mastitis set in.  I pumped and pumped.  Every time Liam ate, I would pump.  In the early weeks it was 12-15 times a day.  I tracked every pumping session in time and ounces.  I needed to feel accomplished in some way since my breasts could not feed him.  All I did was work on breastfeeding and pumping.  I remember falling asleep while pumping, the milk spilling everywhere and I so angry that I lost that hard earned “gold” milk.  

When Liam was 12 weeks old I went back to work.  There was not enough time in the evening to work on breastfeeding and pumping.  Liam was happy with the bottle.  The milk came instantly and his belly was full.  My husband and family enjoyed feeding him and we had a little routine.  So I stopped nursing Liam and became an exclusively pumping mom, but my heart still ached to breastfeed.

It was the hardest job I have ever encountered.  Each phase during the 54 weeks was difficult.  When he was a newborn, there were SO many pumping sessions.  When he was older, he would crawl towards me while I was pumping and suck on the tubing.  Every time we left the house I had to bring milk for Liam and the pump for me.  I rented a hospital grade pump.  It was expensive, but cheaper than formula and I was more productive.  I set up a breastfeeding station in front of the computer and worked on his milestone chart and baby photo book.  At work, I would write letters to him and read up on developmental charts.  I followed blogs and Facebook groups on natural parenting and breastfeeding.  I attended a support group and took notes about every pumping question discussed.  My husband packed my pumping bag in the morning and cleaned the bottles at night so that I could feed Liam.

My breastfeeding goal for Liam was one year and I was determined to reach this goal.  I took supplements and never missed a pumping session.  Even to the very end, I was pumping 5-6 times a day.  I pumped for a total of 54 weeks.  Fortunately my body made a lot of milk and I was able to freeze 1,050 ounces.  My son had breast milk until he was 15 months old.  I am a very proud mama to have reached and surpassed my goal.  It was not the way I imagined, but my husband and I made the best of the situation.

My second son Rory was born in December 2012.  I wanted to try breastfeeding again.  I knew I could not do this alone and needed my village for support. I asked friends with experience to advise. I read the book “Breastfeeding, Take Two” by Stephanie Casemore and moved forward from my first experience.  I made sure my husband and I had the same feeding goals.  I hired Beth Bejnarowicz as my postpartum doula, and we established a breastfeeding plan.  I left the pump packed up in the garage.  I was determined to breastfeed.  I did not have the time nor energy to exclusively pump for a newborn with a toddler running around.  I wanted to bond with my baby through breastfeeding.

When Rory arrived he self latched within 20 minutes of his birth and did not let go for 20 hours.  He was a big baby and Beth explained he was putting in his large order for long term breastfeeding.  Beth helped me with every struggle in the early weeks including position, engorgement, mastitis, side nursing, and lip/tongue tie.  He is now 9 weeks old, 15 pounds and a nursing champ.

I will never know why Liam chose to not nurse.  For a long time I blamed myself but those days are long gone.  When Rory cries Liam looks at me, signs the word “milk” and says “more mama”.  I asked him the other day if he wanted to try nursing just like the baby and he shook his head NO.  He helps me set up my pump and carefully examines the milk dripping into the bottle.  He occasionally asks for a drink of the pumped milk, which I hand over with a big smile.

Both my kids were breast fed, just in different ways.  I am proud to have experienced both.

Kelly’s Pumping Tips 

-Put everything related to pumping and bottle feeding that needs to be washed into one big bowl by the kitchen sink.  Fill with soapy water and only wash once per day.  Ask your husband or family to wash.

- You don’t need to wash all your pumping supplies after each pumping session.  Just pop everything in a resealable bag, refrigerate, and wash everything once at night.

-Massage your breasts when pumping.  For me, the milk came faster and I was able to finish sooner. Massaging after a pumping session to get a little extra milk out also helps to increase your milk supply, especially in the early weeks.

-Do not stress when you pump a few ounces less than the day or week before.  There are lots of factors that go into milk production. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you drinking water and eating healthy food? Are you stressed about something else? Did you miss a pumping session? Try to relax and concentrate on what’s within your control.

-Taste and smell the milk.  Follow the recommended guidelines for storage but don’t stress over it.  If you would drink it, its ok for baby (as long as baby is healthy and normally developing).

-If the baby doesn’t drink the full bottle DON’T throw it out! Breastmilk is not like formula; you can refrigerate and offer to baby again.

-If you are out of the house, running errands or visiting at friends, take your pump.  You never know what could happen or how long until you return home.  Pump in the car and as soon as you arrive at your location.  My husband would drive and I pumped in the backseat while sitting next to my son.  It was easy and enjoyable.

-Buy a second set of the valves and membranes.

-Get a cheap nursing cover and wear while pumping if you have company visiting (close family or friends).  An exclusively pumping mom should not be forced to sit alone while everyone talks and visits with the baby.

Kelly Zownorega studied business management at Dominican University in River Forest.  She is employed at True Value Company as a senior import inventory planner.  She lives in Elmhurst with her husband, two sons and her first child, Lia a 7 year old Weimaraner. 

The first time you published Ms. Schoenberg’s piece “Has breastfeeding been oversold?” (11/26/12), I was dismayed at the total want of quality journalism that I have come to expect from Tribune material. I certainly sympathize with her breastfeeding experience. I, too, had a difficult beginning to breastfeeding, and I also had a very negative experience with lactation professionals in the Chicago hospital where I gave birth. Unfortunately, my sympathy ends there, and more unfortunately, you actually re-printed the article!

Ms. Schoenberg references a book written by a political scientist (not a medical or lactation professional, might I add) that attempts to characterize breastfeeding as a nice thing to do, but not really all that important. As her back-up, she cites three studies that show little to no difference between breastfed babies and non-breastfed babies in a few indicators. Big deal. The fact of the matter is that a lot of evidence was also ignored. Not long ago, the Tribune cited a study from Pediatrics that found that if all babies were exclusively breastfed to 6 months, the lives of 911 babies and billions of dollars in health care costs would be saved. The additional claim that breastfeeding holds women back from employment opportunities and advancement is cause for concern, but is also being partially addressed through our new federal health care and employment legislation, though there is still more work to do.

Yes, breastfeeding can be hard, as the author claimed, and women have the right to choose not to do it, but printing and then re-printing an article like this is not only irresponsible; it is insulting to the intelligence of Tribune readers. Your readers expect a level of journalism that is un-biased and based on evidence; not personal experience, agenda, or opinion.

Instead, one might investigate why Chicago’s breastfeeding rate is below the national average. Why is it that a downstate hospital beat out all the Chicago hospitals in becoming Baby-Friendly? Why have Chicago hospitals cut their lactation support to a bare minimum, and why do they have so much trouble weaning off of free formula? The last time I checked, no one gets free anything in a hospital. Why is it that mothers regularly complain that their Chicago-area doctors are giving them advice that completely ignores the AAP protocol for caring for breastfed babies? And why are mothers still getting grief about breastfeeding in public, though they are protected by state law?

More importantly, why are we still arguing about this as if it were just a “mommy-war” issue, and not an issue of gender equity, public health, and the influence of commercial interest?

It baffles me that these are not topics of investigation by a world-class newspaper, replaced instead by something that might keep investors happy, but does nothing for more deeply understanding the issue.

Katrina Pavlik

Director

Breastfeed Chicago

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

An excerpt from “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson

 

A couple days ago I read this quote on a Christmas card from a friend. No matter your religious or non-religious convictions, I think it speaks to all of us. It got me thinking about all the moms who are going home for the holidays this week to spend time with family and friends, and the trepidation they are feeling right now about breastfeeding around their loved ones. They are worried about seeing that cousin who didn’t breastfeed, and how she will feel if she sees someone else breastfeeding. They are thinking about their grandma who gave karo syrup and Carnation milk to her babies and they turned out “just fine.” They are anticipating all sorts of ignorant comments from their childless friends. And they know that their mother-in-law will have something to say about the baby being hungry or fussy or too big or too small or too needy or too old or too anything else.

So many moms (myself included) have fought really hard to breastfeed our babies. We’ve cried, we’ve swore, we’ve blamed, and we’ve thought about giving up a million times. And some of us used formula or weaned early or hated every second we spent breastfeeding, and we really, truly don’t judge anyone else for doing or feeling the same. We recognize that our cousin is an amazing mom and her kids are happy, we know that Grandma just did what her doctor told her to do, we giggle about our naïve, kid-free friends, and we understand that the MIL is just trying to help. We get it, even though sometimes we just have to stomp around and whine for a minute or two to get it all out.

And yet, we are proud of what we have accomplished. We know that every drop of breastmilk that we’ve given our littles has come from our bodies as a beautiful expression (ha!) of love and devotion. When you work so hard for something you believe in, you can’t help but become attached to it.

So what is a mom to do? How does she reconcile her own “light” – her pride of breastfeeding her child – with the feelings and thoughts of others? Who are we to be “brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” When I posed this to my hubby over dinner tonight, he said, “Who cares? You have to do what you think is right, and you can’t worry about everyone else.” Sure, this attitude works for some of us. I’ve gotten a little bit better at this over the years, but I’m still not totally there. I still want to make everyone happy, being the good Midwestern girl that I am.

Let’s go back to the poem for a moment. Here’s the end:

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

So, what does that have to do with breastfeeding? Here’s my theory: breastfeeding is controversial because we allow it to be. Think about this for a second (I know, I’m asking a lot of you sleep-deprived mamas out there). If we allow others to push us, to extinguish our lights; we are feeding into their issue, their problem, their history and baggage and judgment, and every time we do that, we lose a little bit of ourselves. The alternative is to decide, today, to be comfortable with who we are and what we are doing, knowing that being proud of breastfeeding is not the same as judging anyone else’s choices.

How is this different from the “Who cares what anyone else thinks” attitude? I guess it’s a matter of mindset. I’d argue that to not care about others is to distance yourself from them and their feelings. To be who you are, doing what you want to do, is an act of courage and strength and authenticity, no distancing required. Sure, you might still get comments, but you know that those feelings come from a place of hurt, and they are NOT. ABOUT. YOU.

When I think about what I most want for my children, it is that I want them to be comfortable in their own skin, to have the freedom and courage to be who they are, and to love themselves unconditionally. What better way to teach them that than to do it myself?

As you venture forth this season, stand tall with the knowledge that you are a breastfeeding mom, and that is something you can be proud of. Know that when you stand tall, others can too.

Happy holidays and a very happy New Year.

Katrina Pavlik is the founder of Breastfeed Chicago, and along with her powerful, courageous, and talented board of directors, she is striving to re-normalize breastfeeding in Chicago.

For us, when we first came home, my husband was in charge of entertaining the boys. He would make sure baby and I were cozy, then he would take the kids on some type of city excursion or a pretend adventure inside our home. This allowed me to get the hang of the breastfeeding thing again, get some rest and a shower so when I was left alone with all three kids I had enough energy to care for all of us. When my husband and the boys were around while I was breastfeeding, we let the boys tickle baby’s feet, see how she latched, helped me burp her, explained to them how she was eating. We wanted them to be comfortable with breastfeeding and experience how nurturing and wonderful it is (our second oldest loves to “feed” his babydoll by putting her up to his chest and our oldest already understands why daddies can’t breastfeed babies).

When my husband had to return to work, we secured help for a few weeks. We commissioned grandma to come over a couple of days a week for a few hours to entertain the boys. We also hired a postpartum doula to come specifically for sibling care, although, when we had our second child, the postpartum doula was for me – to reteach me basic breastfeeding skills, make sure I was getting a shower, food, etc. and watching after our oldest  so I could nap. I didn’t have help every hour of the day, but the help I did have made the transition into mama of three a lot easier.  I know for many, help can be hard to find, or too expensive – but, there are options out there.  For those truly in need, postpartum doulas who need certification sometimes offer volunteer hours or a reduced rate. Teens can be hired on as mother’s helpers. Retired neighbors might love to play with some young folks for an hour or two.

When I felt ready to tackle motherhood of multiple children on my own, I made individual breastfeeding kits for both boys. These kits contained new toys and activities for the kids to do ONLY while I was breastfeeding. I made sure the toys/activities were things they could do without my help. For instance, felt boards, Crayola Washable Markers Coloring Kits, string beads, peg boards, puzzles etc. The boys were excited to get these kits out when they saw me preparing to nurse Libby. I also reserved a special show for them to watch if they didn’t want to play with the kits, or to watch when I knew she needed some quiet time.

A couple of months have passed and the boys don’t use the kits too much anymore; they will either sit beside me for a few minutes while Libby is nursing, sometimes we read a book together while she is eating, or they will run off and do their own thing. Occasionally, I will nurse her in the baby carrier. And, we are also getting out more, so I tend to nurse in public while they are having fun playing.

Breastfeeding a baby while also caring for a toddler and a preschooler isn’t always the easiest, but we are getting the hang of it together.

Here are some helpful websites:

To learn how to nurse baby in a carrier – check this out: http://bwichicagoland.wordpress.com/

To find a postpartum doula: http://www.icappa.net/search/custom.asp?id=438, http://www.dona.org/mothers/find_a_doula.php, http://www.birthlink.com/directory/index.html

Jennifer Adams is a mom of 3 who regularly finds time to have fun – with or without kids! She is a CAPPA Certified Postpartum Doula, Certified Lactation Specialist, and serves on the Board of Breastfeed, Chicago!

Ms. Schoenberg,

I’m sure you’ve gotten a lot of hate mail since publishing your article “Has breastfeeding been oversold.” This is not hate mail. You talk about what a difficult time you had breastfeeding your twin sons at the beginning. That sucks. Big time. No one has a right to make you feel like you are doing something wrong, especially when you are working so hard at it, and it is what you want to do. You were anything but spineless, and the fact that you breastfed twins for 10 months is truly amazing – something to be proud of, not regretful.

That being said, to discredit the breadth of research (strong, sound research) that supports breastfeeding just because a political scientist doesn’t like what breastfeeding mothers have to endure feels a bit like throwing the breastfed baby out with the bathwater. I agree with Ms. Wolf that breastfeeding is difficult, and it’s especially difficult for mothers who work outside the home. I don’t doubt for a minute that breastfeeding mothers have a hard time keeping up with the pay of their contemporaries. You know who else has that problem? Women. To make the argument that mothers shouldn’t breastfeed because of pay inequity is like making the argument that women shouldn’t work at all because they don’t make as much as their male counterparts. This is an equity issue; not an issue of whether or not something is “worth it.” Why aren’t employers acknowledging the importance of breastfeeding to their bottom line? Mothers who breastfeed take fewer sick days because of child illness, they stay loyal to their employer longer, and they lower the health care costs to the company. In fact, if 80-90% of mothers breastfeed, like you did, for the first 6 months of life, over 900 lives would be saved and $10-13 billion annually would be saved in health care expenses (Pediatrics, 2010). To me, the lives of 900 babies and billions of dollars in savings is not even close to an “insignificant difference.”

Who cares that breastfed babies have about the same number of GI infections in the first year, about the same IQ, and breastfeeding moms don’t lose weight faster (according to Ms. Wolf’s claims)!?! Where is the discussion of the long-term benefits of breastfeeding, such as a reduction in cancer in BOTH mom and baby? Where is the discussion that breastmilk contains live, custom-designed antibodies to help babies fight infections, more ingredients than scientists have been able to identify, and even stem cells? What about the bonding and secure attachment that happens with breastfeeding, the normal oral facial formation from breastfeeding, and the visual development from breastfeeding? Like so many parenting decisions, breastfeeding is so much more than about making sure your kid isn’t hungry; it’s about setting their bodies, brains, and emotions up for a lifetime of health.

More importantly, do you really believe that there is no significant difference between something that was formulated by scientists half a century ago and something that has evolved along with humans for millions of years? Don’t you suppose that the “evidence” that you are so intent in finding might be available if studies on breastmilk were funded adequately? Unfortunately, there is a lack commercial interest in extolling the benefits of breastfeeding – not a whole lot of money to be made from women who make something with their bodies without the need for medical intervention. Again, if a political scientist were really interested in the equity of women, she may want to look into ways to support, rather than discount, one of the most amazing things a woman’s body can do. To me, this whole argument sounds like one of those sit-down-and-shut-up-so-we-can-tell-you-what-to-think shticks that women have been enduring for ages.

You and others talk about the innumerable external pressures that moms now face from breastfeeding advocates. Those darn guilt trips that assault women at every turn. Guilt trips are not OK, but there is a distinct difference between advocating for something and against something else, and very few seem to understand the difference. From my perspective, breastfeeding advocates are simply trying to stem the tidal wave of the billions of dollars spent on advertising annually by formula companies. Personally, I don’t have the kind of cash that would begin to compete for attention, but I guess that’s what I would need if I didn’t want to be called a “breastfeeding Nazi” or any other lovely term given to advocates attempting to provide evidence-based information on breastfeeding. I find it very interesting that no one is complaining that formula samples are being handed to women by their DOCTORS at prenatal appointments, not to mention the formula forced upon mothers in the hospitals, whether or not it is medically necessary. Not a word is said when maternity clothing stores sell information to formula companies so that moms get “free” formula in the mail suspiciously close to the time when babies go through growth spurts and demand more of their mothers’ time. I have never advertised my own breasts in a magazine, but I imagine that if I did, I would be seen as extreme, crazy, and judgmental. Women who wore pants before pants were the norm were called worse, and that issue, like breastfeeding, is about controlling something that society is uncomfortable with.

The argument that women have no choice but to breastfeed because of the groundswell of breastfeeding advocacy is crap. I can’t come into your home and stuff a boob in your baby’s mouth any more than I can stop you from smoking or not wearing your seatbelt. The wonderful thing about life is that you still have a choice, and once women stop feeling guilty about their choices and start feeling supported and empowered, this whole discussion will be null and void. Some women may not breastfeed, and some will. The question beyond the undisputable value of breastfeeding is, “How can we as a culture support mothers that choose to breastfeed their children?”

Once again, kudos to you for all your hard work in breastfeeding your sons. Never doubt that every drop of breastmilk you gave them was worth it.

Katrina Pavlik

Director

Breastfeed Chicago

Breastfeed Chicago, an organization established to support mothers in breastfeeding, is working to build a cohesive and sustainable support network for breastfeeding mothers through the connection of resources, cultural normalization, and institutional advocacy.

Who says you can’t breastfeed and party like a rockstar?

This just isn’t true. When breastfeeding your child, it is just as easy to have fun. A few weekends ago, I put this idea to the test. I was Matron of Honor in my friend’s wedding. Admittedly, I was stressed about how the whole day was going to work. How would I feed her in this extremely tight bridesmaid’s dress? What about all of the days’ activities? She isn’t going to be able to go into the limo (although, my bride friend had no problems with this – I just didn’t see logistically how it would work). How is she going to be during the ceremony and then the reception? However, after some careful planning and help from my husband, we made the day work AND we had fun. I brought my baby with me in the morning. She hung out with the girls while we got our hair and makeup done. My husband then tagged along with us in our car and followed the limo to the church, then to pictures, and then to the reception. When I had to nurse, I employed the other bridesmaids to help unfasten and then refasten my dress.

For the reception, the manager at Rock Bottom let us use his office so I could feed her in private and give her a break from all the noise of the rocking party. After all the speeches, cake cutting, and dances were done, it was time for the real fun. I threw on my Baby K’Tan carrier, put the baby in, and partied on. Beer in hand, my friends and I danced the night away to “Call Me Maybe” and “Everybody Dance Now” (nothing like a little C&C Music Factory!). Was I going to stay up and party until dawn like I used to? No. But, that isn’t because I was breastfeeding, it was because I was a mom. And, am now 35. 36.

Yes, this particular day may not have seemed easy – it did involve planning and a lot of help. For me though, it was easier to bring the baby with me than to worry about how she was doing at home – did I pump enough? Was she taking the bottle? Was she napping without me? And, remember this is an extreme case. Unless you are a wedding planner you are not going to weddings every day. If you need a break and want to get a mani/pedi, a cup of coffee with friends, see a movie, or have an occasional night out with the girls, it takes just as much planning whether you formula-feed or breastfeed.

Here are some helpful tips for having fun:

• Nurse baby right before you leave. If you pump, pump enough for the time you are going to be out. Make sure your caregiver knows how to bottlefeed a breastfed baby. http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/
• You can bring the baby with and still have fun!! For me, the key to this is babywearing. There are a lot of different options out there to babywear – a lot of the carriers can be pretty stylish. http://www.thebabywearer.com/ I have brought my babies with me while getting manis/pedis. I either babywear or time the appointment around my little one’s naptimes, so she is napping in her stroller while I am getting glam.
• If you want to go to the movies, there are options in the Chicagoland area where there are special screenings for moms and babies. http://www.amctheatres.com/programs/bring-your-baby Or, you just go to the regular showing and bring your baby with you. If you are worried about being discreet, there is nothing more discreet than hanging out in a dark movie theater.
• As far as a beer or a glass or wine? Yes, breastfeeding moms can enjoy some libations!! http://kellymom.com/bf/can-i-breastfeed/lifestyle/alcohol/

Having fun while breastfeeding is not only doable, it’s important!! Remember as a mom, it’s important to take some time for yourself. Taking time for yourself helps you refresh and regroup, ultimately helping you stay healthy and happy.

Jennifer Adams is a mom of 3 who regularly finds time to have fun – with or without kids! She is a CAPPA Certified Postpartum Doula, Certified Lactation Specialist, and serves on the Board of Breastfeed, Chicago!