Top Ten Things I Learned from Breastfeed Chicago (except that there are 22 things…)

Thank you to the ladies on the Breastfeed Chicago Facebook group for their contributions! In no particular order:

1. Coconut oil apparently can cure ANYTHING.
2. Find a supportive mama tribe – toxic relationships aren’t worth your time.
3. Breastfeeding in public is not only possible; it’s normal!
4. Preemies CAN learn to breastfeed!
5. Twins can too!
6. If your boobs look like they are covered in blood, check to make sure it isn’t just ketchup from lunch.
7. Never quit on a bad day.
8. Trust your baby and trust yourself.
9. You’re not alone.
10. That there are tons of mamas just like me who want to challenge society’s norms of breastfeeding.
11. Toddlers can breastfeed, too!
12. Don’t put limits on your expectations for nursing…do it until it no longer works.
13. When you think you’re the only one with an issue, one of two things will happen: you will find that you are not alone, and you may learn something new in the process.
14. Breastmilk has amazing antibacterial properties!
15. What you pump isn’t an indication of your supply.
16. Read up on “normal” baby sleep – it’s probably not what your grandma or girlfriend is telling you!
17. Your breasts are never empty – you are always making milk.
18. Pumping straight into storage bags will save a ton of time!
19. Keep on keepin’ on and get help if you need it. Perseverance in those early weeks is key!
20. “Put a little breastmilk on it.” Breast milk is to me as Windex is to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”
21. Side-lying nursing can save your sanity.
22. AND… the number one thing that I’ve learned from Breastfeed Chicago is to never doubt the power of well-informed and supported moms to change the world, because we’re doing it every day.

Breastfeeding Moms Just Wanna Have Fun

I have heard it all from a variety of people in my life how formula feeding is easier than breastfeeding – especially if you want to have fun. Want to drink a beer? Can’t do it because you are breastfeeding.  You want a night out? Sorry, the babe needs to eat and only you can feed her. You need a break? Sorry…….you can’t, you breastfeed.

Who says you can’t breastfeed and party like a rockstar?

This just isn’t true. When breastfeeding your child, it is just as easy to have fun. A few weekends ago, I put this idea to the test. I was Matron of Honor in my friend’s wedding. Admittedly, I was stressed about how the whole day was going to work. How would I feed her in this extremely tight bridesmaid’s dress? What about all of the days’ activities? She isn’t going to be able to go into the limo (although, my bride friend had no problems with this – I just didn’t see logistically how it would work). How is she going to be during the ceremony and then the reception? However, after some careful planning and help from my husband, we made the day work AND we had fun. I brought my baby with me in the morning. She hung out with the girls while we got our hair and makeup done. My husband then tagged along with us in our car and followed the limo to the church, then to pictures, and then to the reception. When I had to nurse, I employed the other bridesmaids to help unfasten and then refasten my dress.

For the reception, the manager at Rock Bottom let us use his office so I could feed her in private and give her a break from all the noise of the rocking party. After all the speeches, cake cutting, and dances were done, it was time for the real fun. I threw on my Baby K’Tan carrier, put the baby in, and partied on. Beer in hand, my friends and I danced the night away to “Call Me Maybe” and “Everybody Dance Now” (nothing like a little C&C Music Factory!). Was I going to stay up and party until dawn like I used to? No. But, that isn’t because I was breastfeeding, it was because I was a mom. And, am now 35. 36.

Yes, this particular day may not have seemed easy – it did involve planning and a lot of help. For me though, it was easier to bring the baby with me than to worry about how she was doing at home – did I pump enough? Was she taking the bottle? Was she napping without me? And, remember this is an extreme case. Unless you are a wedding planner you are not going to weddings every day. If you need a break and want to get a mani/pedi, a cup of coffee with friends, see a movie, or have an occasional night out with the girls, it takes just as much planning whether you formula-feed or breastfeed.

Here are some helpful tips for having fun:

• Nurse baby right before you leave. If you pump, pump enough for the time you are going to be out. Make sure your caregiver knows how to bottlefeed a breastfed baby. http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/
• You can bring the baby with and still have fun!! For me, the key to this is babywearing. There are a lot of different options out there to babywear – a lot of the carriers can be pretty stylish. http://www.thebabywearer.com/ I have brought my babies with me while getting manis/pedis. I either babywear or time the appointment around my little one’s naptimes, so she is napping in her stroller while I am getting glam.
• If you want to go to the movies, there are options in the Chicagoland area where there are special screenings for moms and babies. http://www.amctheatres.com/programs/bring-your-baby Or, you just go to the regular showing and bring your baby with you. If you are worried about being discreet, there is nothing more discreet than hanging out in a dark movie theater.
• As far as a beer or a glass or wine? Yes, breastfeeding moms can enjoy some libations!! http://kellymom.com/bf/can-i-breastfeed/lifestyle/alcohol/

Having fun while breastfeeding is not only doable, it’s important!! Remember as a mom, it’s important to take some time for yourself. Taking time for yourself helps you refresh and regroup, ultimately helping you stay healthy and happy.

 

Jennifer Adams is a mom of 3 who regularly finds time to have fun – with or without kids! She is a CAPPA Certified Postpartum Doula, Certified Lactation Specialist, and serves on the Board of Breastfeed, Chicago!

Two Breasts for Two Babies, Part Two: My Experience Nursing Twins to 22 Months

Nursing Two Babies When You Are Home Alone:  One Step at a Time

There is the rule never to wake a sleeping baby.  Then there is the guideline to feed your multiple babies at the same time.  Clearly, these are contradictory.  I wouldn’t always wake my twin girls.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it if one was learning to sleep longer stretches.  So I created my own madness, especially at night.  During the day, though, I did feed them at the same time since I have two breasts and two babies and let-down is simultaneous. Made sense to me.  Around 8 months, though, the babies were too wiggly and interested in each other.  I started feeding one at a time until they were old enough to calm down again to nurse without turning their heads with my breast still attached or pushing off with their feet like tug of war.  It was nice to get one-on-one time, but it obviously made feedings take twice as long for those few months.

It is a bit tricky to burp the babies by yourself, but you will eventually be able to nurse one while you burp the other and then switch.  You can also burp both by crossing your arms behind the babies’ backs as they lean against your shoulders.

To nurse independently feels like quite an accomplishment, but it did happen and got easier.  Here’s one suggestion based on what I did:

First, put the babies one at a time in a safe place where you are nursing.  For me, I took up the whole bed with pillows, which I felt was safest, though I did use the couch too.  Place one baby securely on one side of where you will sit.  Then, pick up the other baby and get yourself seated and lay that baby down on the other side.  Then, situate your Boppies and pillows.  Next, pick up one baby and put the baby on one Boppy and repeat for the next baby.  Then, latch one baby and then the next baby and you will be efficiently nursing both babies.  It sounds like it is in slow motion, but, believe me, when your babies are crying, you will get fast and it will be a bit chaotic for a few minutes.

Now, which baby do you latch first?  Do you take the one who screams the loudest, or alternate so the “quieter” one is being rewarded too?  Well, that’s tricky and I don’t have the answer.  I like to think I was fair and tried to alternate babies as I did breasts (believe me, I kept charts and kept track of everything for way longer than I needed to), but I’m sure I tried to quiet the loudest one who was getting on my nerves a bit more than the one waiting patiently.

Anyway, so they both are nursing and then they fall asleep.  Now what?  You are stuck under a pile of pillows and multiple babies.  If there is no one else to help you transfer a baby to a place to sleep and you don’t want to take a nap right there after you detach your nipples, then you can do the reverse procedure.  Gently shift one baby ON THE BOPPY (that is important if you want to minimize the chances of the baby waking up) off your lap onto the bed and prop with another handy pillow.  Then, take other baby to a sleeping place and hold your breath that you are successful and run back for the other one.

Okay, so the transfer while asleep didn’t work well all the time and yet somehow I managed to stay hopeful.  Until you learn to nurse lying down your life will pretty much suck as you give suck, but hang in there!  It’s totally worth it.

I admit I nursed the babies IN THEIR CRIBS sometimes to get them to just go to sleep and not have to worry about the transfer. Helps to have a low crib with low sides for that, but it hurts your back and when you look at your deflated boobs that fall to the bottom of your ribcage you’ll remember sadly the times when you told yourself “I don’t care what happens to my boobs, just go to sleep darn it!”

Night Feedings: The Bookends

Once I learned how to nurse lying down my whole world changed!  I co-slept* for close to 6 months and slept between the babies, flipping back and forth all night long. It helps NOT to look at the clock in the middle of the night and just go back to sleep.  Unless, of course, you have to burp your baby!  For many months, my husband and I had a routine that felt like walking on egg shells and I’m sure there is a better way and at least a hundred other ways, but it’s what worked well enough for us.

At night, I would nurse one baby to sleep lying down (at less than 2 months we started this I think).  My husband would bring me the other baby and I would oh-so-carefully flip over and nurse the other baby while he would scoop up the first baby to burp and then return to me when she was finally asleep.  Then, he would take the second baby to burp and return to me.  If I was lucky and they were totally out, I could escape between them for a couple hours, but sometimes they would wake up and we’d have to start over.  If I got away, they would inch towards each other so when I got back into bed, I had to shift them so I had space to sleep in the middle.  I felt like I was bookended, though.  And my back was uncomfortable since I couldn’t really stretch out.  Truthfully, I could sleep a lot better than if I had to get up and put a baby back and forth in a crib and do it again an hour later, since I was a sucker and wouldn’t wake them at the same time.  In fact, the arrangement we had with co-sleeping (and I know it isn’t for everybody) worked well BECAUSE they didn’t wake at the same time.  It was definitely cramped, though, even in our king sized bed.

So, at 6 months, they moved to their own room with their own cribs and I got my space back.  Then, I nursed them in their room and transferred them back to their cribs, but I’d end up nursing one on the floor and would just plain fall asleep until the other one woke up hungry and I’d repeat the process.  The floor wasn’t any better than being squished, but I wanted to move them out of my bed so this is what I did for way too long.

Once we dropped the night feeding at 18 months, the girls started sleeping really well through the night.  I wish I had dropped the night feeding sooner!  It is just so hard to know what to do and there is so much information and so many opinions out there. Remember, this is just what we did…and I’m not even saying it worked well, it’s just what we did to get through.  You will figure out your own rhythm and, as long as it works well enough for you to get through the day, it works.

When to Stop Pumping: When it No Longer Makes Sense

I was lucky enough to be home with my girls and was able to breastfeed them for most feedings.  The girls got a bottle of breastmilk at least once a day that was given to them by another family member and I could do other things during that feeding.  When the family was no longer around and I realized I was the one who was giving them their once-a-day bottle, I decided it was time to stop pumping, which was perfect as we were going out of town and I really didn’t want to deal with it on the trip.  I pumped for almost a year, very frequently at first, then about 3 times a day for a couple months, then down to once a day to just have some in the fridge in case I needed to go out or take a break.  And you will need breaks. While you might feel like a cow at times, you are doing something so incredible that only you can do and it will not last forever.

Weaning: Nice and Slow

I was the one who was ready first.  I was tired of having my breasts tugged on to the sides (by the end when the girls were older, I would lie down and they would each lie down next to me and nurse, but they would pull my breasts and nipples so that now my nipples are permanently angled out to the sides).  My back hurt from leaning over (I know you are supposed to bring the babies up, but when the only comfortable position is with the babies cradled on your lap while sitting on the floor, that isn’t an option).  I needed to sleep through the night for once.  I didn’t enjoy nursing anymore, and I felt really guilty about it.  So, I knew I was done.  Plus, I was going away for a wedding a few months later and wasn’t sure how that would otherwise work.  But we took our time since we weren’t really in a hurry and the girls had expressed no real desire to stop nursing for comfort.

We dropped about one feeding a month.  The night feeding was the first to go at 18 months.  That was hard since I was used to nursing them to sleep, but we all survived that stage.

Next, we dropped the session before bed, which was the easiest, remarkably, to drop.  We replaced nursing with tons of cuddles and an extensive routine of hugs and reading with cow’s milk in a new cup with a straw.  In fact, we built up getting big girl cups for so long that the girls were super excited when we finally brought them out.

After several weeks, I did the same routine for the feeding before nap.  That one took longer because, instead of nursing the girls to sleep, they were awake in their beds and chatted for a long time before they would eventually sleep. But they did.

Finally, the last feeding we dropped was the one in the morning. That one was the hardest for me to let go since I could nap a bit while they snacked upon waking.  Again, we just distracted them and gave them milk in a cup first thing and it was no big deal.

By 22 months old, I wanted to be sure we were done so I could leave for my friend’s wedding and come back to kids on cups and have my now unrecognizable body back.  It worked.  I was more sad than I thought I’d be, probably because of the guilt. But they were ready too.  Within 3 days of weaning, there were no more questions.  One of my daughters developed a habit of stroking the flab under my arm once she was weaned as a seeming substitute, but even that has worn off now.  Every so often, the girls point to my breasts and say “when we were babies, we drank milk from your breasts” and I’m glad they will always know that I did that for them.  My two breasts did their job for twin babies and are now retired.

*For more information on co-sleeping safety guidelines, see: http://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/

Amanda S. is a SAHM mom of twin girls in Chicago.

How I Ditched the Nipple Shield

As I sit here typing while nursing my son, I think back to just a few short weeks ago at how hard it once was for both me and him. On December 27 my son was born at 7 lbs 12 oz, and was just amazingly beautiful. I held my son to my chest shortly after birth and he suckled for a few short moments then fell asleep. After he returned to me, I kept trying to latch him and he just flat out refused. The nurse came in and tried to help, but she could not get him to latch either.

Before I left the hospital I had to do a New Mom class, in which they asked if you were going to breastfeed, bottlefeed, or both. Out of the seven new mommies, I was the only one who wanted to breastfeed. The nurse told me after I returned to my room that an LC would come in to make sure everything was going okay. That was such a relief to me, because he was not getting the hang of it. She came in a little later, took my son from me, undressed him and shoved him on my boob – which to a first time mom scared the crap out of me! She messed with his little mouth for a few minutes around my nipple and told me he was not a strong enough sucker. To my disbelief, the person who was supposed to help me just broke my heart. I looked at her and asked her what to do, and she said, “Well, you can just keep trying, but you probably should just give him formula to make sure he keeps eating.” FORMULA? Seriously – this coming from an LC. I said okay thank you, and promptly forgot everything she just told me.

As I was worrying about my son not eating, my MIL sat down next to me and reassured me everything was going to be okay. She asked if she could help and I agreed so she took my son in her arms, and was slowly able to latch him on. She did not force my boob in his mouth, or make him scream by undressing him, she simply put him on my chest and let him do it on his own. He was doing it- I was so relieved, yet he again stopped a few moments later. She reassured me everything would turn out okay, and that he probably was not yet hungry anyway.

During my hospital stay I continued to try to get him to latch without success, so when I returned home I was pumping what seemed like every waking moment, and fed him by bottle. We were both in tears almost every night. Then, I came across one of the best groups in the world – Breastfeed, Chicago. A friend of mine who has a little girl only a few weeks younger then my son was part of the group, so I figured it would just give me some added support. I posted what issues I was having and someone suggested a nipple shield. I was confused and a little scared on what that was, and had some awkward images in my head. Yet, I went to Target and found one. We went home, I completely undressed from the waist up, and I was determined for him to figure it out. I placed the nipple shield on and slowly tried to get him to latch, but he still refused.

I continued to pump about 8 times a day, if not more, and tried at least once daily to get him to latch. I would pump for a few minutes to get my milk flowing, so it was not much work for him, tried to latch him, and when that did not work, I would try with the shield. It seemed like he would never figure it out, and I started getting very depressed. I felt like I was not supplying my son with his nutritional needs. My husband came home from work many times to me and our son half naked in our bed, both crying – and me, desperately trying to get him to eat. My husband was such a trooper and would take our son from me, remind me that I was an amazing mother, and would walk away, letting me gather myself together. I started talking about switching to formula because I simply had had enough. I told my husband that if our son didn’t figure out breastfeeding by the time he was 3 months, I was done. I was reading parenting books, talking to other nursing moms that I knew, and would check Breastfeed, Chicago daily. Looking for tips and tricks to get him to latch.

After 11 weeks of trying, my son finally latched with the shield – yet I tried not to get too excited. After 24 hours passed and he still hadn’t needed a bottle, I was officially ecstatic – enough so to call my MIL and my own mom to tell them the amazing news. Yes, he was still using a shield, but he was latching! That meant the world to me. After 6 days of using the shield I was going nuts – trying to remember to take it with me, trying to place it on my nipple when I was half asleep – the thing that made breastfeeding possible for us was starting to wear on me. So, I placed him to my bare nipple, and to my surprise, he latched! I sent a picture to my husband at work, and of course posted on Breastfeed, Chicago almost immediately. Now, a week later, I sit here typing with my son lying across my chest, boob in his hand, eating away. I never though this day would come. I ended up in tears many nights, regretted having to give him a bottle, hating with a passion being confined to the house due to having to pump so often… yet now everything seemed so worth it. Just to simply say I breastfeed my child!

I joke that my son figured out breastfeeding just so he could avoid formula. He and I were determined to make him a boob boy!

I hope you have found this inspiring, and know that to be able to breastfeed your child may not be the easiest thing you will ever do, but is one of the most rewarding things you will ever do.

My name is Diane and I can proudly now say I am a breastfeeding, baby-wearing, cloth diapering mom. I am 21 years old and married to the love of my life, Tyler, and we have one son named James. I have my nursing degree, although that is on pause so I can be a SAHM. My husband is a video game programmer in the city of Chicago. My only goal for my son is to grow up happy and healthy and for us to be able to provide him whatever he wants/needs. However, if you ask his daddy, he would say he wants James to be able to program before he can read!

Editor’s Note: Before you resort to using a nipple shield for yourself, please make sure to talk to a knowledgeable and supportive lactation professional, and read up on all the pros and cons of nipple shields. Find out more here.

Breastfeeding My 10.5 Month Old

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to The Maiden Metallurgist for generously allowing us to repost this piece. Please see the end of the post for additional resources.*

I was talking to my grandma earlier today about our favorite subject- Henry- and breastfeeding came up. Again. My grandma is obsessed with the fact that I am still breastfeeding my boy.

She is a little senile, well, maybe more than a little, so we tend to have the same conversations over and over and over again, and breastfeeding is one of her favorite topics with me. I can understand why, it is something that we can relate completely to one and other about despite our generational differences.

My grandma talls me, every time we talk, that she breastfed my mother for 4 months and my uncle for 8. She always apologizes for only breastfeeding my mom for 4 months, as if I’m somehow judging her and goes on to tell me that my mom bit her so she had to quit. Bear in mind that my mother is 60 years old (sorry for outing you mom), some sort of guilt has lingered with my grandma for 60 years over quitting breastfeeding at 4 months. I always tell her that I think it is great that she breastfed at all, I now know from personal experience that it can be natural and difficult at the same time.

I don’t think my grandma has anything at all to feel guilty about. We know how how good breastfeeding is for babies, but I also think it needs to be a mutually beneficial relationship. Especially because it is such a time intensive undertaking. Breastfeeding is wonderful, probably my favorite thing I’ve ever done, but it also takes a degree of sacrifice and determination, if you are a working mom that is.

When I am home, nursing is so much easier than making a bottle. But work is another story; the time I sacrifice pumping, the worry I expend about my supply, the pain and soreness that a week of pumping leaves my nipples feeling. Despite all that Henry and I aren’t ready to give up.

I’ve talked about my struggle with low supply here, but to sum up, I was pretty desperate.  Breastfeeding is very important to me, and I was struggling to produce enough milk when pumping to feed Henry.  When I nursed him at home I never had a problem, but bodies respond differently to pumps than they do to babies, and I just couldn’t keep up pumping at work.  We are lucky to have a bit of a cushion, a freezer with a decent stash of frozen milk, but I knew that by using that milk my supply would only get worse as my body learned that it didn’t to produce that milk.

I begun supplementing my diet with the galactagogues fenugreek and blessed thistle, drinking extra water, eating extra calories, I did power hours, nursing vacations, breast compressions, I tried a new pump, hand expression, even double pumping to trick my body into thinking it was feeding twins.  Despite all of this I got to a point where I was lucky to pump 5 ounces all day (4 20 minute sessions).  There was only one option I hand’t explored and that was prescription medication.  I made an appointment with my OB and his LC, they agreed I was a good candidate for Domperidone.  My doctor was nervous about potential side effects; it is not FDA approved nor does it have a very high success rate.  But, like I said, I was desperate and willing to give it a try.  Armed with my prescription I ordered it from Canada and now, after 4 weeks I am seeing an amazing improvement.  I went from pumping 5 ounces a day to 15, still not enough to feed my boy when I’m gone, but a huge improvement, and I’ll take what I can get.

At this point I’m letting go of the worry.  We can get to one year.  Henry is still getting almost all of his nutrition from milk, and shows no signs of weaning, so although I planned to give up the pump at 1 year, we’ll keep going as long as we need to.  But I refuse to obsess about it anymore, and use like that, we are back to having that mutually satisfying breastfeeding relationship.

The Maiden Metallurgist is a full time shift working mom in Chicago’s south suburbs.

*We salute all moms with supply issues. As always, Breastfeed, Chicago! encourages moms to talk with their health care provider and their IBCLC about ways to increase milk supply; we do not endorse any particular medications or treatments. “The Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk” is an excellent resource for moms struggling with supply. Kellymom has several good suggestions, in addition to lowmilksupply.org.

DIY Nursing Fashions

I nursed my first ’til he was three, with no nursing clothing. I was feeling very groovy and 70s about it, I guess. Memories of my mom nursing my youngest sister at the Poppin’ Fresh Pies was an imprint stamped on my young brain of how easy and normal it was to nurse.   At 24 I spent two years in the Peace Corps living with smart women in a small village in Morocco who lived with a breast out for a babe. My comfort level with breastfeeding was so ingrained I could not imagine doing it any other way… until my lovely LLL leader and friend Nancy Machaj gave me a few nursing tops and I really felt the comfort and ease of having a top made especially for nursing.

However, I am way too cheap to buy a new nursing top, and way too distracted to bid on ebay… and I’m always looking for any excuse to go ‘thrifting’. I started creating some DIY nursing ensembles modeled after the nursing tops from my friend. They are super easy and NO SEW (T-shirt type fabric does not fray)!  The basic principal is to have two layers: an under layer, which you cut holes in (near the side seams), and an over layer that hides those holes you just cut. The underlayer can be long, short sleeved, or sleeve-less.

My first foray into this universe was a long sleeved super stretchy patterned shirt with a tank top to go over. When I want to nurse, I lift the tank up, and have breast access from either side of the under layer. I can use the top layer to be as discreet as I want to be. Tummy and back are always covered!  Like you, I am a superwoman who makes milk for my baby. It is just nice to feel a bit more pulled together and not yanking at the back of my shirt while nursing… (I did that for three years, and it was manageable, just nicer to have something a bit more functional.)

Style number two I have cooking over here: same under layer idea, but the top layer has a crossover. I just pull down either side and have breast access. This is an espeically good style for when I’m wearing a sling and I need breast access from the top. I don’t have to re-arrange the bottom of my shirt, which is trying to stay nice under the sling (I’m using a moby type carrier for now). I take baby out of carrier to nurse, but love being able to get to my breasts without messing with the already-on sling.

Looking back, I wish I had bought a pumping bustier with baby number one. Who doesn’t want to be a hands-free pumping goddess? Oy my g-d.  I cannot believe I did not have this with the first.  I was too cheap to buy an unproven accessory. This time around, I just snapped up a vaguely my-size bra off the thrift store rack, tried it on at home, and marked where my nipple fell. I then cut a vertical slit about an inch long.  Now I can let that one dollar bra do the work and hold the phalanges in place while I look at real estate on my smart phone.

Nina Lichtenstein, Logan Square mama of two fantastical boys, ages 4.5 and 3 months – the first of whom I breastfed till age three. I am a massage therapist who specializes in massage for the childbearing year, and am hot on the trail of promoting breastfeeding while trying to contain my excitement over how very cool it is.

Enlightenment and Healing

Nine years ago my son was born. Nine weeks premature and weighing just over three pounds, I was thrown into the world of NICUs, breast pumps, and doctor visits. When my pregnancy came to an end, my grieving began. I didn’t realize it as grieving right away—I was far too numb from the whole experience to have any true concept of what I was going through—but as life began to balance out and I came up for air, I recognized a feeling of loss and began to examine it.

My first thought was that I was grieving over the loss of the last two months of my pregnancy and the “normal” birth experience I had so wanted to have—and that was perhaps part of it. But as the first year of my son’s life picked up speed and life began to fill in the gaps left by the gradual disappearance of hospital visits and baby gifts and concerned phone calls from family and friends, I began to recognize a loss that did not stem from the circumstances surrounding my son’s birth so much as the loss of the entire relationship I had hoped—expected—to have.

Because my son was born nine weeks premature, within a few hours of his birth I had started to use a breast pump to initiate and maintain my milk supply. It had never been a question of whether I wanted to breastfeed, but after the birth of my son it became a question of whether I would be able to. An endless cycle of breastfeeding, bottle feeding, and expressing quickly consumed my days, and two months into my son’s life, the stress of that exhausting routine, the experience of having a preemie, the preeclampsia that affected my own health, and a father who was dying from cancer, took their toll and I couldn’t continue on any further. Shortly after my son’s due date, recognizing I had to make a change, I committed myself to exclusively pumping for my son and tried to make peace with the fact that breastfeeding wasn’t going to be part of our lives.

The loss that I felt as a result of not breastfeeding took me by surprise. No one tells you that you will experience grief. No one tells you that it hurts. No one tells you the sense of regret you will experience when you think back to those early days of your child’s life and you question the “what ifs” that might have made things different.

But this is not a story of grief and sadness; instead it is a story about enlightenment and healing.

My experience with my son taught me the importance of relationship. He taught me that what we do matters and how we do it matters. He taught me that I have an inner maternal instinct that is to be trusted, nurtured, and valued. He taught me that life is a continuum and that mothering starts long before a baby is born and will continue long after our children leave our homes. He taught me that process matters and what happens before will affect what happens after. These lessons weren’t learned easily, and many of them weren’t learned in time to benefit my son and I. Our relationship has been built on struggle and common challenges, and we continue to conquer those challenges together, trying to repair the lost relationship we both so desperately desired when he was born.

Not being able to breastfeed my son was a loss: a loss for both of us. I have come to understand that our biology has expectations, just as we do, but those biological expectations are far more important than my own personal expectations. They are based on centuries, and maybe even millennia, of genetic heritage. To try to circumvent those biological expectations can only result in an imbalance and leave us feeling loss. I grieved the lost breastfeeding relationship with my son, just as I grieved the normal birth experience, not because it was what I had expected or wanted, but because it was what my biology expected.

Two and a half years later, I stared at a positive pregnancy test and was surprised that the first thought to pop into my head was: “I wonder if I’ll be able to breastfeed this baby?” Emotions that I thought I had examined and dealt with and discarded after my experience with my son came flooding back to me. And at that moment my journey of healing began, ushered in by my new baby, my daughter.

As is often the case, my second pregnancy was entirely different than my first and I was entirely different as well. Certainly I now had experience as a mother, but I also carried with me the hurt and fear resulting from my first breastfeeding experience. While I had infinitely more knowledge about “normal” birth and lactation, I also had insecurities and mistrust relating to my body and my body’s ability to do what it was supposed to do. It didn’t work the way it was supposed to the first time, so why should I think it would all work out the second time? As those nine months progressed, I devoured everything I could about the normal birth process and breastfeeding from a biological perspective and decided to commit myself to trusting my body. Faith can be both scary and freeing, and I gave myself to it entirely.

My re-education about breastfeeding challenged social attitudes about mothering and babies. I learned to question my knowledge and strove to focus on breastfeeding practices that were biologically sound. When my daughter was born I ensured that she was placed on my chest immediately and we enjoyed more than an hour of quiet time getting to know each other before she was weighed and cleaned. She latched for the first time within the first half hour and stayed with me, often in my bed, for our entire hospital stay. She nursed frequently and eagerly. Things seemed to be going well. And then upon our arrival home, those familiar worries and fears set in.

Nothing really was going wrong; my daughter was over her birth weight by five days of age, after a bit of initial soreness we seemed to get into a routine that was working well, but yet I clung to the past, worried that things weren’t as good as they seemed and that certainly my body was going to fail me yet. For the first month of my daughter’s life, I worried every time she cried that it was something I was doing, that my milk wasn’t sufficient, or that for some reason things were not as good as they seemed. All the usual newborn issues were, in my mind, somehow connected to my ability to breastfeed and mother. Her cries or fussiness would bring back the overwhelming memories of my experience with my son and my emotions continually churned. Eventually, I decided enough was enough and I returned to that place of faith I had been in before my daughter was born.

And neither my body nor my daughter disappointed.

Once I relaxed into the relationship with my daughter and put my trust in both my body’s ability to provide for her and her ability to know when and how much she needed to nurse, I entered a period of ease. I finally recognized the power my body holds and the empowerment that can come through the process of birth and breastfeeding. I recognized that my body is capable and strong and nurturing. And I recognized that in our society we often are given information, advice, and practices that are in direct competition with our biology.

In order to allow our biology to do what it needs to do, we often need to question the influence of our society and in some cases put it aside in favour of biology. In retrospect, I can see the influences of society greatly affected my breastfeeding relationship with my son. It saddens me that I was unable to breastfeed him as I had wanted, but I also recognize that I only did what I knew to do at the time. Ultimately, my experience with my son brought about the enlightenment I needed to breastfeed my daughter and that experience has influenced my life since he was born.

Breastfeeding my daughter was a relationship—is a relationship. She weaned just a couple months after her third birthday, but the closeness that we enjoyed from our nursing relationship is still very much part of our lives today two years later. Being able to participate in that relationship helped me to heal the lingering hurts from the experience with my son. It returned to me the ability to trust my body and the process and to ultimately have faith in something outside of myself.

While at times it does sadden me that my son and I did not enjoy the same relationship as my daughter and I did, I remind myself that the relationship between a nursing mother and baby benefits everyone surrounding them. My son was very much part of the nursing relationship with my daughter, witnessing the love and closeness of our relationship but also being a part of it as we would sit and chat while his sister nursed. The healing brought about by breastfeeding was not just my own; it also helped my son witness that important relationship that he was unable to experience for himself, and I have no doubt he will carry it with him into his adulthood and into the relationship with his own children.

Stephanie Casemore has experienced breastfeeding as a challenge, a gift, and a healing experience. She exclusively pumped for a year for her first child and nursed her second child for three years. Turning the challenges into a positive as an opportunity to support other mothers, Stephanie shares her experience through her books:  Breastfeeding, Take Two: Successful Breastfeeding the Second Time Around and Exclusively Pumping Breast Milk: A Guide to Providing Expressed Breast Milk for Your Baby.

Our Favorite Breastfeeding Advice

This week’s post is all about our members. Members of our Facebook group were asked how long they’ve been breastfeeding and their favorite words of wisdom. We want to emphasize that there is no “right” length of time to breastfeed your baby – everyone takes their own journey, but every journey is a lot more fun when you have supportive and encouraging people around you.

Thanks, everyone!

• AN: Just say no!!!
  Your baby won’t starve while you are getting tended to after birth…even if you had a c section. Insist on NO bottles and baby will latch! I don’t think this is scientifically proven but many many moms who’s babies were given bottles in the first 4 weeks had bfing issues (including me with my first) 1st baby 10 months…fought til the very last drop
  2nd baby…10 months and going strong!!!
• CC: 1 child; nursed for 32 months, and counting. Best advice: You are enough for your child – there isn’t always one way to get the job done, every mom and baby are as unique as individuals and use Lansinoh before and after feedings and pumping.

• JPY: 2 children… #1 – severe supply issues nursed 8 months (supplementing the entire time)… LC didn’t think I’d ever make it that long. boy did I prove her wrong! #2 – going on 6 months EBF on the 17th! The most helpful advice was to feed baby where ever & whenever. Don’t postpone feedings when baby just comes home from hospital b/c you have company or b/c someone wants to hold the baby and try to calm them when you know they want to nurse.
• EL: I’m nursing my second now.. 22 months old. When I first started, tho, I had a nursing epiphany when I learned (at LLL meetings) that cluster feeding in the evenings didn’t mean I was out of milk, and that nursing was something I could do in my sleep… When I was taught how to nurse side-lying. Both of these things helped me to just relax and have confidence in myself.

• BB: “Never quit on a bad day” helped me.
• WOS: 2 children, #1 was nursed 27 months (though she would’ve liked to nurse longer!), had a lot of issues in the beginning (baby was in the NICU her first four days, so she was given formula, I was encouraged to pump but my milk did not come in until she got home, so whenever I tried to nurse in the NICU she would scream and get frustrated). We had some rocky weeks (as I refused to use formula when we got home) and I used a nipple shield for the first six months (not recommended by LC but I did what I could to make it happen). Be patient and keep on chugging away at it (and with the help of professionals and determination) you can BF, even if you do get off to a rocky start! #2 has been nursing for 10 months and counting!!!
• TL: I am on baby #2 and have been nursing for almost 4 years straight (dec 27th is my first 4 year bday) I never thought I’d make it past 3 months and I can’t believe I am tandem nursing an almost 4 year old and a 10 month old! The most helpful advice I received was to take it one day at a time and if baby is happy and having wet diapers baby is getting enough!
• Kristin P: My little man is 27 mo, and we are going strong with nursing!! He was EBF his first 15 mo of life, and continues to nurse every 2 hours or so – definitely never goes longer that 3 hours without his ‘yummies’! The best advice I received was to follow my babe’s cues/lead for feeds, not the clock or schedule. I read that advice in the Dr. Sears Baby Book that my doula recommended. Other invaluable advice was that bedsharing is a wonderful way to establish breastfeeding – also from Dr. Sears. I was already following Aubrey’s lead, and bedsharing, but it was really empowering and validating to read his words.
• JSS: #1 breastfed for 15 months, #2 is still breastfeeding at 13 months. They didn’t overlap. Best advice was that babies go through growth spurts every couple of weeks where they’ll want to nurse more – just stick with it and let them nurse as much a they want to. They’re not starving, and your milk supply will catch up.
• MS: Daughter nurses still at 3.5 years and son is 9 months old and obviously still nursing. The best advice…trust you body and its ability to nourish your child, not only physically but emotionally.
  My daughter is a testament to that. When I ask her why she still wants to nurse (once a day) she tells me that “I nurse because I love you and I like nursing.” To me, weaning just because someone says to wean at a certain time doesn’t make sense.

• Karaleigh: 10.5 months- drink LOTS of water, be patient and enjoy every moment of it.
• BP: Six months for my six month old daughter. For us, the best advice was skin to skin contact and laid back nursing. And I’ve so appreciated having a good breastfeeding friend to laugh with for plugged ducts, and other challenges as they come up!
• NLR: Between the three of them 6 years. (omg lol) Best I’ve got is don’t give up. Get help if you need it. It will get easier. #2 had a really rough start. Things did not level out for about 8 weeks. (So much pain, bleeding, screaming & crying; not just him haha) Once he and I got the hang of it, it was great. Went 25mos. If you have a c-section, you CAN most definitely nurse your baby minutes after birth. I had my younger two in my arms as soon as I was stitched up and in recovery. They were never more than a few feet away from me. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.
• Renee: 38month old still nursing and tandeming with his almost 3 month old brother. Best advice I ever got was to just relax. Stop and take it easy. Take a deep breath and watch as it all works out
• Mirjam: 29 months…stick with it. Breastfeeding can be hard in the first few weeks, but when the two of you figure it out, sharing those moments of peace and silent connection are going to be worth any amount of work that you had to put into it.
• MMV: All four of mine were EBF…#1 was 16 months and self weaned (I was not ready for her to stop!), #2 was a little over 24 months, #3 was also a little over 24 months, and #4 is 26 months and counting. Best advice was nursing on demand and also that even though nursing is the most “natural” thing to do, you and baby still need to work a little to figure it out! My mom also gave me the book “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” which was helpful since I never went to any classes or groups. Also, I agree with the c-section comments…my four were born by c-section and it did not prevent me in any way from nursing
• Rowkeena: ‎19 months..Don’t give up when they start teething. You and your baby will form a communication where they understand that biting hurts. If you want the good stuff, no biting!
• Brandy: 32 months combined, and still going. See a lactation consultant for breastfeeding advice, not a pediatrician!!!
• Beth: 22 months and counting. The best advice I got came before my son was born. A friend told me that it’s okay for it not to feel natural at first and that it is hard at the start. She encouraged me to take a class before my son was born. My husband and I did just that, we took a class with a lactation consultant about 3 weeks before he was born. Looking back, I really wonder if I would have made it without that advice.
• AR: Don’t quit on your hardest day.

  (nursing #2 nearly 8 months & going strong, #1 only 10 weeks. )
• EN: In our 26th month of breastfeeding, the best advice I’ve received is not to worry about the future yet. Most of our concerns about the future will be resolved or become non-issues by the time they arrive, whether it’s nursing with teeth, supply after introducing solids, nursing during pregnancy, or weaning. Don’t waste your energy worrying about possible concerns; instead, focus on the present and enjoy today.
• CS: #1 for 11mo and #2 8.5 mo and counting – best advice I can give is make breastfeeding the only option, we couldn’t afford formula and I wanted to breastfeed with our first anyway, but even though it hurt and she was tongue-tied (fixed at her 1week weigh in) I never even thought to give her anything other than my milk. If you know it’s your only option, it’s a lot easier to stick with it! (sometimes it still hurts, but I’d rather be in a little pain and give my kids the best start I can than the alternative!)
• JM: 15 months. Most helpful advice (from my daughter herself): “boob!” surprisingly (or not) I received a lot of unhelpful advice
• IKK: One boy, 27 months old, still nursing. Even when the kids around him are sick for a week or two with bad colds, he always got over them in about 48 hours, with a little increased nursing. Best advice? O my! Where do I start? First of all, most (almost all) hospitals are NOT baby/breastfeeding friendly. So keep your baby near you as much as possible, maybe even the whole time and do skin-to-skin and nurse non-stop to help your milk come in. Especially if you had any interventions during the birth, it might take a little longer for the little one to latch, etc. Don’t let anybody intimidate you. One nurse kept telling me that my son was going to get cold having him skin-to-skin (because I kept taking his onesie off – even though he was UNDER the blanket with me). But he did not. And he did nurse. Another big thing is: get support. Be around other nursing mommies. Whether it’s LLL or just some friends, it’s so important to have someone to share your questions, joys, and sometimes frustrations. It’s all part of the journey and the last thing you need is somebody suggesting that “stop nursing” would end all your issues. And lastly, always remember, this is the relationship between YOU and YOUR CHILD, nobody else. This is one thing you share, unique to you two, special, magical, amazing and FOREVER – nobody can take that away. And nursing is part of that relationship, so when you are having a hard day, follow your heart, look into your babies eyes and do what you feel is best. Trust yourself.
• SSK: #1 bf for 12 months, #2 for 18 months, #3 for 27 months, and # 4 and am still bfeeding strong at 20+ months (while going to school full time). So that is a total of 77 months, so far… I unfortunately received no advice with my first, but had read every book out there (11+ years ago) and it happened to come naturally to both of us:) Recently many friends have had first babies and have called on me to help with breastfeeding (which I love and do). The best advice I give them is to relax and not get frustrated too soon, keep at it and call if they need anything anytime! It is not “easy” or “natural” for everyone and takes a lot of dedication in the first several weeks!
• Mirjam: Do you know what is so interesting? Reading all of these posts makes it really clear how much of a learning curve is involved in breastfeeding! Nearly everyone who has posted, myself included, breastfed their second child longer than their first, and the third longer than that. Which again kind of echoes what many mamas have said – breastfeeding is a learned behavior, both for you and your baby, and it is important to see it as that so you don’t get frustrated if you falter at first.
• MH: 20 month First Son, 22 month Second Son -  Get through the first month of breastfeeding and it gets easier, in general. I had no guidance about breastfeeding just thought it would be easier and cheaper than formula. Advice: “try not to listen to people’s opinion about how long to breastfeed – short or long, only a mom/child knows what is appropriate.”
• Beth M.: 49 months and counting (14m with #1, 19m with #2 and 16m with #3). Best Advice?? Just relax…your body knows what to do.
• HHL: 2 kids- I breastfed the first for 11 months(and pumped and bottle fed breastmilk until 12 months) and am currently still nursing my 16 month old. I’d say the best advice I received and not until the second was to ignore the clock and feed on demand. I spent so much time recording feedings and EVERYTHING else the first time around and the second time I wrote down NOTHING and life was so much easier. I truly think a huge part of breastfeeding success is surrounding yourself with like minded mamas. It can really feel like an uphill battle when you tell someone about a nursing issue and their response is why don’t you just stop, you’ve done it long enough vs. receiving a sympathetic ear and good ideas and options to give you the support needed to continue. Sometimes all you need to keep you going is for someone to tell you, “I’ve been there” and that’s hard to receive if you don’t know other moms who have nursed and are nursing.
• DS: One little lady still breastfeeding (she’s 46 mos.) and one on the way; best advice — I definitely 2nd Brandy  — unless you have a dream pediatrician, go with the lactation consultant’s advice (or now, the advice you get here! Second best — trust yourself and your mothering instincts always!
• ERM: Wasn’t able to nurse my 12 month old twins but have been PROUDLY nursing my 6 week old since she was less than an hour old. BEST advice I received (which I didn’t get until last week) was to NOT even think about a pump or pumping for at least the 1st 6 weeks. It just adds too much pressure and stress. Just nurse, nurse, nurse and get that relationship down. If baby is thriving then you know you have an adequate supply. I highly recommend a trip to Jill Rabin in Northbrook also. =)
• KCS: Child number one, age 5, nursed two weeks past his 4th birthday. The twins are three and still nursing. I nursed all three for 2 years.
• ECH: 16 months or so with my first, 5 weeks so far with this new baby. The best advice I received was if you were missing nursings because you were busy, spends the weekends in bed nursing. It helped me to work full time, pump, and continue the nursing relationship.
• NW: I’ve been breastfeeding for 3 months, and plan to keep going onto 12. Determination and the bond kept me going. The day that we had an 8am dr appt, we were outside waiting for the doors to open and he was hungry, so I fed him in my car, and he looked up at me with milk all over his face and gave me one of the first smiles I’d seen. Best advice was skin-to-skin contact, it helped me within hours of some nipple confusion. But I’m lucky enough to have a generally easy breastfeeding relationship with my son.

No More Failure Stories: Karaleigh’s story

Editor’s Note: This post is the first in a series we’re calling “No More Failure Stories.” We know that mom-to-mom support is one of the most important ways we can ensure that other moms continue to breastfeed, despite setbacks and difficulties. We hope that Karaleigh’s story will help you to remember a time when someone helped you get over a hurdle. Whether or not we know it at the time, words of encouragement and support can make the difference between “breastfeeding didn’t work out for us” and “yup, we’re still breastfeeding.” Share your story with us! breastfeedchicago@yahoo.com.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed from the moment I got pregnant. After all it’s free, it’s an easy postpartum weight loss program, and the benefits for both me and baby are fantastic! But then I began to worry. Would it be easy? Would it hurt? Would I know how to do it? Could my baby really survive on “just” my milk?

These thoughts intensified when I gave birth to a premature baby who was too small and weak to latch on. So I did what I could; I tried and tried again to get her to latch and suck. In the meantime, I spent endless hours with my breast pump. I called lactation consultants, but they were all too busy to return my calls or too booked to see me. It took five weeks of trying before I was able to get my daughter to exclusively breastfeed, but I did it.

Through my experience of breastfeeding I felt that it was very important to encourage and support those who wanted to breastfeed. After my friends delivered their babies, I would always check in to see how they were doing and ask if they had any breastfeeding questions. I periodically sent encouraging emails and fun facts about breastfeeding like how breastfed babies have higher IQ’s!

The first friend I told that I would be her breastfeeding cheerleader was overjoyed. She was very much wanting to breastfeed for at least the first year. Within the first week her pediatrician was encouraging her to supplement with formula. She resisted. I got a frantic email a few days later. She emailed with a screaming baby in her lap saying, “I think I need to use formula, he is hungry and there is nothing left!” Together we problem-solved. First step, deep breath. A screaming baby can rock even the strongest woman’s confidence in her ability to be a mommy.

With formula advertising everywhere, and coupons, samples, doctors, nurses and friends suggesting formula. How do we gain confidence that we CAN feed our babies with breastmilk? We need to team together! We need to call our fellow sisters, aunts, cousins, sorority sisters and friends and make sure they have the support and encouragement that they need to breastfeed. We need to talk openly about our journeys with breastfeeding, our trials, our errors, our successes, and our sleepless nights so that other women know that they are not alone. No women should have to struggle in private to feed their child. No woman should have a breastfeeding question go unanswered. It is our duty as successful breastfeeding mommies to be cheerleaders for our tribe.

Karaleigh Salmi is mother to Ellie (10 months old) and 3 dogs. She has a wonderful, supportive husband who encouraged her through all the challenges of breastfeeding. Ellie and Karaleigh overcame the challenge of Ellie’s premature birth and stay in the NICU, and have been successful at breastfeeding. Karaleigh is a Ph.D. candidate in the field of clinical psychology and a stay at home mom.

The Pump Room

This post was originally posted on The Chicago New Moms Group blog. Thank you to Linda Szmulewitz for allowing us to re-post it! Share your pumping-at-work experiences in the “comments” section below!

Recently on the mother to mother Breastfeed, Chicago Facebook group, a mom vented a brief story of a negative interaction with a coworker that she had regarding her need to pump at work.  This story sparked a very strong memory for me of a time, now 6 years ago, when I too returned to work and was pumping so that I could continue to breastfeed my baby.  I wanted to share that story with all of you in hopes it might be helpful to others.

Whenever I think about new and veteran moms returning to work and pumping, I am immediately brought back to December 2005.  I was a new mom, returning to work after my 3 month maternity leave.  I was a social worker in an outpatient HIV clinic within a large hospital in New York City.  I was very fortunate in that my daughter was going to the day care that was part of the hospital across the street from my office.  This afforded me the opportunity to go over during my lunch and breastfeed her, thus eliminating one time a day when I had to pump and also one less bottle that someone would be giving her.  Like many new moms who have returned to work, I was no longer the same person I had been when I left to give birth just 3 months before.  I now had a new role in life, new priorities and my job no longer really ranked up there with the things that mattered most to me.  I knew that I was going to be moving in 6 months and had it set in my mind that I could handle pumping at work for that amount of time.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but with an end in sight, I thought, “how hard could it really be?”

At the time, I shared an office with two other coworkers, both female social workers.  One was, and continues to be a very close friend.  The other was a friend prior to me having a baby and even came to my home to visit me and my daughter while I was on maternity leave.  My actual cubicle was at the back of our office space, meaning that my coworkers did not have to walk past my office to get to their own.  On my first day back at work, both of my office mates were out.  It was great!  I did my job, saw my patients, put up my little curtain and pumped when I needed to.  In between I washed all my pump parts, and nursed my baby at lunch over at the daycare.  I felt empowered by my ability to work and also provide the most nutritious food for my baby. Sadly, when everyone returned, this all changed.

The coworker who I was very close with thought it was great that I was pumping at work.  She didn’t have children of her own but understood the purpose and the necessity of it.  The other one, we’ll call her Veronica (her name has been changed to protect the not so innocent), was another story entirely.  I told her that I would be pumping a couple of times a day in my office and that I would try to do it at a time that she wasn’t going to be seeing patients.  I asked that, if the actual door at the entrance to the office was closed, could she please knock before coming in?  She didn’t take this well at all.  She accused me of trying to control her and thus preventing her from doing her job.  She also told me she was not comfortable with hearing the pump from the other side of the cubicle wall.  I’m embarrassed to say that several screaming arguments took place between us which usually led to one of us storming off.  Suffice it to say, this did not make for a very relaxing environment to pump in.  In retrospect, I realize now that I was very hormonal, exhausted from being up at night with my newborn for the last three months, and in the midst of a major life change between having just become a mother and now transitioning into my role as a working mom.  I also naively assumed that all would be supportive of my choice to breastfeed.  Now when I think back on it, I realize that I did not have any other friends with babies, and I didn’t know anyone who had returned to work while pumping.  As time went on, I began to think about some of the things that had happened to Veronica that may have made her react how she did.  She was single and her slightly older sister had just had a baby a few months before I had.  Her sister had chosen not to breastfeed so the actual process of continuing a breastfeeding relationship while working was foreign to her.  That being said, she made no attempt to understand what it entailed or what I was going through.

The hostile climate in the office worsened, when a week or so after I returned to work, the New York City Transit Authority went on strike for 4 days, discontinuing bus and train service in all 5 boroughs.  Since I no longer had any sick time left (it was all used up during my maternity leave), I had no choice but to go to work, but that also meant figuring how how to get my infant daughter there as well.  Since many of the day care workers lived in the outer boroughs and it was taking them 2-3 hours to get home each night, one day they had to close the day care early.  Nothing was going on in our office (our patients couldn’t get to their appointments either) so I picked up my daughter early that day and brought her back to my office while I finished up for the day.  She quietly hung out in her car seat while I typed up some last few notes.  Next thing I knew, Veronica stormed into my cubicle screaming at me for once again assuming that the way I was choosing to use our shared space was okay with everyone else.  Suffice it to say, when I finally made it home that night, I cried for quite some time from all the stress this was causing.  I was totally baffled by her strong negative reaction to me and my baby.

My supervisor at the time tried to be as supportive as he could.  He was in a tough place because he was both mine and Veronica’s supervisor and although he knew that she was being unreasonable, he didn’t really know how to handle the situation.  As far as Veronica was concerned, I could use one of the exam rooms that were constantly in use for patient care and would never have provided any privacy.  The hospital knew that they were required to provide me a non bathroom space to pump in (although I did end up pumping in the bathroom at least once), but their solution was for me to make a 20 minute trek over to the NICU pumping room each time I needed to pump.  This would not have allowed me to do my job.  In the end, I was lucky enough to be able to move into a former supervisor’s private office where I could both work and pump for the remainder of my time at work.  Veronica and I never spoke again and the entire practice was divided among whose “side” they were on as a result of the entire situation.

In retrospect, I probably should have approached the situation differently.  Maybe I didn’t take into account how she would feel about it.  Honestly, at the time, I wasn’t really concerned with anyone else other than my baby and how I was going to provide food for her while being away from her for most of the day.  I certainly let my emotions get the best of me and probably seemed like this crazy breastfeeding woman to her, but I didn’t care.  I guess I still don’t.  I know that everyone has their own issues and some people, for whatever reason, are not entirely comfortable with breastfeeding.  As a nursing mom, pumping in order to feed my baby was a logical and natural choice for me.  However, for someone who had had very little exposure to breastfeeding, my decision must have made her feel awkward, uncomfortable, and imposed upon.

If you are returning to work and will be continuing to pump, my advice to you would be to seriously think about the environment you will be returning to and how you can make your very difficult job of pumping at work as easy as possible. In Illinois, your employer is required by law to provide you with a “non bathroom” space in which to pump.  Currently, 24 states have laws related to breastfeeding in the workplace.  Talk to your coworkers.  If they are a group of single 20 and 30 year olds who have not had any experience with breastfeeding moms, be prepared to educate them on all the hard work that moms do to provide the best food for their babies and share some of all the excellent benefits of breastfeeding (like how your baby will be healthier, resulting in you not taking days off to care for a sick child). You may even make a difference in their decision to someday choose to breastfeed their own baby.

For a long time after this experience, I had this fantasy of sending Veronica a letter detailing to her how she had made my life a living hell for that six months.  I would have told her that I hoped that someday she would be lucky enough to find someone that would make her happy and they would be lucky enough to have a baby together. I hoped that when she became a mother and experienced it as the total life change that it is, that she finally would understand why the way she treated me was so wrong, so hurtful, and so traumatizing.  I guess this blog post is that letter.

Linda Szmulewitz is a mom of two, a licensed clinical social worker, a postpartum doula, and the founder of The Chicago New Moms Group. She can be found blogging about all things related to being a parent at www.chicagonewmomsgroupblog.com.  For more information about The Chicago New Moms Group, please visit the website.